On The 4th, 5th, . . . 12th Day of Christmas

Okay, I dun goofed. In true "me" fashion I procrastinated on everything and now I'm in a mad dash to fill the void before Christmas finally hits. First, the gifts. I didn't compile everything into actual albums, but here's about three compilations worth of awesome Xmess music I scrounged up from Bandcamp, Soundcloud, & Myspace. A couple of tracks have a little bit 'o swearin' so listen at your own risk.

Listen on Grooveshark

 Here's all the content you were gonna get daily in one big post. Don't OD. 

These guys are the best. They're booked to play my wedding. 

This one was one of the last I picked because I really don't think it's that funny and the joke is obvious from the beginning. 

These guys played my high school graduation. 

Thomas Kinkaid is my favorite painter. He's better than Monet. 

In remembrance of SOILL's Gathering. R.I.P.

This is just boss. 

I don't know why I picked this one. I think it's because it's really dumb. 

This one's also dumb, but in a fun way. 

One of my favorite Xmess covers. As featured on Yule Beat Vol. 1.

Yes, this is a real fetish and yes, it's really gross.

And now for the star on the tree. I wrote this song years ago but never recorded it because I . . . well, never finished it. Here's a fresh microcassete recording (with digital reverb!) of me butchering my own song while making up the chord structure as I go along. I'll also include the lyrics as a bonus. Merry Christmas everyone. Love you guys.


Listen on Grooveshark

LYRICS

It was the week before Christmas
stockings hung by the chimney
Underneath the mistletoe
and right beside the tree

You wanted me to do it
I agreed so rapidly
Girl if I knew what you had been up to
and just what would happen to me

(And now I've got)

rashes of red
discharges of green
a heartache so blue
on this Christmas Eve

Oh, darling lend an ear
I'm getting you tested this year

I never know what to get you
Don't want to be insincere
but ever since you suprised me
my answer's never been as clear

Won't get you a necklace of pearls
or a stocking filled with cheer
Won't get you a sleigh ride
from a red-nosed reindeer

So darling listen hear
I'm getting you tested this year

I ain't wrapping presents
so don't you scream and shout
it's too bad all this giving
is what the season's all about

So go get yourself a pencil
and some paper just because
I'm ain't going shopping
You better write to Santa Claus

I asked you for nothing
and you gave me VD
I gave you my V-Card
now it hurts when I pee

when did these bumps first appear?
I'm all out of Christmas cheer
you've been a bad girl this year
Darling lend an ear
I'm getting you tested this year

O.C. FINALLY!

You wanted original content and here it is!

Yup, this sweet puppy is called "Cop-out.png" and I hope you enjoy it as much as I'm gonna enjoy PK's, suckers!

On the 3rd Day of Christmas . . .

I promise this is the last one, I've another post coming up within the hour.

This one just has such . . .  swing. And tacky tact.

On the 2nd Day of Christmas . . .

Don't worry, I'm not posting them all in a row, I just don't have it in me to write something clever today. More OC up next!

On the 1st Day of Christmas . . .

Don't worry, I've got twelve of these and they're all awfulesome.

Ryterski Answering Machine

My mother was ever so gracious to donate this little piece of nostalgia: our home answering machine tape. For some reason there were a whole bunch of messages from ghosts on there but there's a little glimpse of Christmas cheer that appears to have been truncated. The full version still rings in my memory:

(to the tune of Jingle Bells)

We are the
Ryterskis
We have gone to party,
Leave a message at the tone
and we will get back shortly!

 Oh, mom, you're so . . . mom.

 Also here's a funny comic. I made it too big so my old relatives who lurk this blog can read it. That's right, I'm calling you out Aunt Donna. Keep lurking but put your reading glasses on.

Download Ryterski Answering Machine

Leave a message on the Ryterski Answering Machine

Aunt Mary's Microcassette

The first in a whole string of CHRISTMAS POSTS! I hope you guys are ready for a whole bunch of weird X-mas garbage and a few little presents tossed in for good measure, so stay tuned!

__________________

This post won't be as nasty as the previous ones because it's about family. If it were about my nuclear family I'd tear 'em apart, but no, this is about three little old ladies in an old house filled with stuff.

My Great Aunt Mary was always fickle. I spent my summers mowing her grass and washing her windows to the tune of "Oh be careful," and "Do it like this, it works best this way." To the best of my knowledge, she, Sister Martin, and Sister Jocille (sp?) spent their days politely arguing about meaningless things and attempting to reorganize boxes of stuff.

"I can move that for you."

"Oh no, we're just going to throw that out."

Three weeks later the box is still on the kitchen table and I'm eating overcooked broccoli while Aunt Mary takes out her teeth.

Recently, while cleaning out the house, mom came across a little sump'n sump'n:

Coincidentally, the recordings are from a Christmas past and the recorder itself was a gift from Aunt Mary! The tape contains hymns and carols sung by sweet little old ladies that probably sang quite well when they were younger. Now, the harmonies are . . . interesting. If anyone can translate or ID any of the Polish songs, I'll give 'em a cookie.



Download Aunt Mary's Microcassette

Smash Aunt Mary's Microcassette

Also, I'm moving all of the downloads to my Google Drive because it's easier for everyone. Just click "File">"Download" if you're stuck, dummy.

Happy Thanksgiving

If you had any friends they might throw a killer Thanksgiving shindig and invite you. But you don't and they didn't

Instead, enjoy this one you weren't invited to. I hope you get thrown out for crashing the party.

Happy Halloween

Okay I goofed. It's no longer Halloween, I haven't posted anything in forever, and this was supposed to be for Halloween.

 

Sorry.

Real updates to follow but not daily as promised because you don't deserve them. Go polish off a couple pizzas and cry, fatty. 

UPDATE: Whores on the Floor History

Apparently Andrew is a Whores on the Floor whore. Thanks to Andrew for this enlightenment and further thanks to IzzyThePusher for the tip! 

Look at that! He even looks like a historian!

If you're confused as to what is going on, take a chill pill and assimilate the original post, you daffy drungle.

This text was copied directly from Facebook IM and only slightly edited to sustain the anonymity of certain individuals. Any punctuation, spelling, or grammatical errors are par for the course and Andrew's fault.

I don't have a total history of this band, but I can give you a few of my scattered recollections of when this band was around. -I want to say that this band started up in late 2005; I'm not sure on an exact date but I remember it being roughly during the late autumn of 2005. 

-The lead singer/frontman of the band was a guy named Ed. I don't remember the exact circumstances involved in me meeting Ed, but I do remember that we lived on the same dorm room floor (2nd floor of Kellogg hall) during the fall 2005 semester. Ed was also in the mass comm department, majoring in audio engineering. He left SIUC after the spring 2006 semester and eventually transferred up to Columbia College. To my knowledge (and this was from the last time I saw him, which was about two years ago), he presently lives in the Chicagoland suburbs and does freelance audio engineering work: helping run the audio for broadcasting of sports events.

-One of this band's first gigs actually happened at Herrin Teen Town (coincidentally the site of the first Tapeworms gig, if I recall); unfortunately, I don't remember the exact date of the show.

-I can't remember the name of the person who drew the album's cover art. However, I do remember that he was the bass player in Mr. Ned (which was an Oi-style punk band that Max and Luke Herron-Titus played in) and that he was the second bass player for the Broken Bricks (the one before Taylor). The back cover photo was apparently found on Facebook.

-Speaking of the Broken Bricks, a guy that I know was around quite a bit for the recording of the album (and is actually doing some of the vocals on the last track) was a guy named Andy who wound up as the first bass player for the Broken Bricks in the fall of 2006). Andy was another audio engineering guy/friend of Max's who, last I heard, was living in California.

-I want to say that their last regular gig was in either April or May of 2006 at the Davis-McCann center in Murphysboro. I believe that they opened the show, which was headlined by The Accelerators and Skinny Jim and the #9 Blacktops. I think that it was the last, or one of the last, punk rock shows to happen there. (As a side note, I believe that David Brown was also at this show; I vaguely recall that this show was one of the first times that I really hung out with him).

-As I've said, the band pretty much broke up after the spring 2006 semester, when Ed moved back to the suburbs. They did reunite for a few one-off gigs: the most recent of which took place at Maxfest (which was a bunch of shows that happened in Max's parents garage) in June or July of 2008 (I was at this show and it was the last gig that I can think of).

Those are my scattered memories of this band's existence. If you are looking for other (possibly more informed) perspectives on the band, I would probably check in with Luke Herron-Titus. I seem to remember that he was at most of the shows that they played (if I recall, WOTF played a lot of shows with Mr. Ned).

Otherwise, let me know if you need any other info.

Thanks!-Andrew

No, thank YOU! I hope you don't mind me posting this, because I don't care!

Curiosities Vol. 1

I, I, I, me, me, me. It's all about me. I apologize if I start ALL of my posts with "I," but it ain't about YOU. Fudge you, motherfarters. YOU SUCK. Are YOU bustin' yer hump posting all this meaningless shit?!

NO!

SO . . .

I planned to release a consecutive series of bizarre YouTube videos as teasers for other posts.

I FARTED UP.

This is too golden to pass up. I'm not partial to yoga but I found myself contorting, stretching my body as to fit my toes into my nostrils, repeating the mantra: "Dunnnnnnnnnnn-gis, Dunnnnnnnnnnnnnn-gis, Dunnnnnnnnnnn-gis."

Drunk Virago Practice Disc

For those of you who don't know, I took part in one of the loudest bands in Carbondale. I specifically remember Eli at PK's telling us to turn down and looking up at the crowd of people at the back of the bar, cowering in fear.

The initial plan was a "trip-hop/downtempo/dub-style" band, at which we failed miserably. But we soon captured the "krautrock/psych/play-one-riff-really-loud" sound perfectly. The original lineup comprised of Matt on drums, Howard on bass, Nick on keyboards and trumpet, and myself playing Minesweeper. A while later James was added on guitar and I followed suit in addition to some percussion.

To get a really good sample of us in our prime, check out this series of videos by IzzyThePusher. He did a great job documenting EVERYTHING and still uploads stuff from years ago. Thanks Tom!

If you wanna hear the coolest drum break ever (covered in a bunch of feedback), check out minute 1:55 of track 5. Tracks 3 & 4 are split but they are actually one song, and our best at that. So if you wanna listen to just one awesome track, you'll still have to listen to . . . uhh . . . two tracks. I'll stop rambling and give you the link:

Drunk Virago Live at the Ski Haus 5/14/11

But this little recording of mine is from long before that era. Apparently the backbone had thought that the guts weren't practicing enough, so they recorded backing tracks and gave them to us on CD-Rs. Yep, this is 20 minutes of drum and bass. I'm not gonna lie, I still noodle on guitar to this.



Download Practice Disc

Practice Disc-ing

UPDATE: Another of our songs, recorded by Karthik, was brought to light by my ever-inquisitive brain. Here it is on the ever-contemporary MySpace:

SORRY

Hey dudes. I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday. I had to do some laundry, clean my room, wash the dishes, cook dinner for a friend, and then get drunk at Hangar. Excuse me for being productive. 

To make up for it here's a picture of  some art my roommates made and my some of my favorite videos on YouTube.

Also there are two new posts. 

True Stories of the 618 Area Code

The copy I received was crudely wrapped in chunks of cardboard wrapped in jute twine, nonsensical stencils spray-painted all over it and scrawls of sharpie covering nearly every inch of it's face.  A lot like this:

If you know the "Reverend" Clifton Bailey then you know where this is headed. I really don't know what to say about this without pissing someone off that could easily kick my ass. There's some "poetry," "music" by local meth-rock bands, and a few tracks that were obviously included without permission of the artists. I paid Clifton $3 for this because I make poor decisions.

There's a whole lot of cross-fading but sadly the same "radio_tuning.wav" sound effect gets hacked in half between tracks because he forgot to untick the "1 second between tracks" box while burning 100 copies of this compilation.

That's right. 100 copies. I have 91/100.

If you wanna listen to a whole lot of crap, start at track one. If you want to listen to The Woodbox Gang cover The Hanging of Charlie Birger and the slightly entertaining other half of the CD, start at track 14.



Download True Stories of the 618 Area Code

Forget True Stories of the 618 Area Code Ever Happened 

Whores On The Floor - Coat Hanger Abortion

Mom please ignore this post. It's got bad things.

I know, I know. I've seen copies of this all over Carbondale. The only problem is that most of you turds have been using it as a coaster. Also the full tracklisting isn't online.

The story that I've heard is that Max and Tyler got together with one of their friends who is now a minister(?) and jammed out this raucous slop in an afternoon. If anyone has any more info please fill me in.

ANYWAY

Even if you don't like grindcore these lyrics are pretty hilarious. Mad props to artists that love doing stuff on the fly, sometimes improv is the best way to go.



Download Coat Hanger Abortion 

Get a Coat Hanger Abortion

Ziggy Played Surf Guitar

I guess we should start off with a disclaimer.

I make no money from this blog and do it out of the kindness of my heart (and to reduce clutter in my life.)

Also, this post will stray a bit from normal protocol because I have to work at 3. Normally I would have a entry conceived beforehand, spell-checked and edited for brevity, content, and humor. This is not the case. I'm in a rush and this post WILL suck.

To make up for that I'm uploading a hard-to-find compilation from Cordelia Records. If you've had the misfortune of seeing These Magnificent Tapeworms or was somehow misguided to buy one of our records, you'd understand my love of this label. They're a bunch of surf nuts that get tired of surf music for just long enough to do something bizarre. They love Zappa and theremins. 

I'm uploading this as a stream only and urge you to purchase from their online store:

Cordelia Records

And now, Ziggy Played Surf Guitar: The Surf Instrumental Bands of the World Perform the Music of David Bowie.

Property of Windows

Over 18 years ago, Michael Davidson thought it might be neat-o to snap some pics of microchips. Expecting abstract blocks of color and line, he instead found Waldo. 

Check out more at The Silicon Zoo

What a happy little accident . . .

Audacity has an "Import Raw Data" command that I stumbled upon when trying to open a corrupt file. (Kids, don't try to open Mac formats with Windows programs.)  On importing I received about a second's worth of noise and an injection of curiosity . . .

. . . What else makes the bleep bloops?

Sound, noise, music, call it what you will, but these things were not the intended properties of this data, just as microchips are not viewed as canvases. But they are. I scoured my hard drive, spending countless hours importing files, collecting data, taking notes,and drinking shitty beer just to find the answer.  And so here it is, every file in Windows XP that goes bleep bloop.



Download Property of Windows

Deface Property of Windows

Destroy Property of Windows

Nick's Voicemails

I met Nick through Tom. 

I think . . .

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it goes like this . . .

Tom had convinced me to see a 16mm print of Celine et Julie Vont en Bateau at the St. Louis Art Museum. I agreed to give them both a ride and we arrived at Hunan to assume Nick into our posse.

He was wearing his classiest "I'm-going-out-to-eat-proper-like-a-man-with-status" clothes:  an orange tie paired with blue khakis and some shitty plaid blazer with mouse holes in it.

I was immediately impressed. He'd get my vote.

On entering St. Louis we stop for gas in nowheresville and soon discover that the car wouldn't start. A sketchy-looking dude with an Invader Zim T-shirt banged on the starter for a while then gave up like the meth-child he is.

We had to push it into a parking lot.

After the gazillionth try and by some stroke of luck, the car jolted to life and we were on our way. Arriving halfway through the film, we had a kickass time despite no knowledge of the plot (there isn't much, anyway.) After the film, our Mötley Crüe shambled  to the City Diner for a brief film analysis over burgers. Before long, we were on the road back to Carbondale.

Oh shit, I forgot to mention that for the past hour we had been heading north.

WHELP . . .

Nick knew some friends in Springfield and we crashed there on the eve of a friends funeral . . (awkward) . . . We awoke to the smell of natural gas, peed, then took some pictures outside. After a lenghty voyage and a pit-stop in Greenville ('cause Nick wanted to get laid), we arrived safely back in Carbondale, promptly falling asleep and living happily ever after.

And that's how I met Nick. And this is how Nick leaves voicemails.



Download Nick's Voicemails

Leave Nick Voicemails

Saturday Night Tweezer

He'res a tweezer trailer of things to come:

I came across these guys both legally and illegally via relatives, purchases and general shoplifting from thrift shops. Yes, these are answering machine tapes. 

Yes, these are the personal lives of real people. Yes, there's a little creepiness involved in that. Yes, they should have been erased before donated to a charitable organization where any sicko could shove them into his pocket and post them on the internet. Yes, I know this isn't the wisest thing I could do, but I an't no genius. I ain't no rocket surgeon. I ain't even a doctor with a lousy receptionist that lets the machine take all his messages . . . 

Staaaaaaaaaaaaay TUNED!!!

Stage Fright

For both my Production 2 and Documentary classes we were allowed to check out Merantz digital recorders. One evening with my girlfriend we decided on a walk, on which I recorded drunks on the strip, a party on College Street, and our personal dialogue featuring sparse melodic interjections.

I had been trying my hardest to get her to sing since we had started dating, but because of her shyness, performances were few and far between.

Somehow I convinced her to record herself while I was at work, and the results were equally beautiful and hilarious. It just goes to show, people actually do sound better singing alone in the shower.

I know I do.

I'm not gonna mention the artist's name, but if she's anything like the girl I dated forever ago . . . she'll pee her pants laughing.




Download Stage Fright

Get Stage Fright

The Chais- Difficult To Please

Sixteen years old I ask the doorman, "What kind of music do you usually have here?"  To which he replies, "Oh, we got both kinds! Metal AND pop-punk!"

As went every show I attended in high-school until Warped Tour. Mom, if you're reading this, I snuck off with my friends in 2005 to see Rancid and AFI. Sorry I never told you, but I had a blast and Andrew WK was amazing. 

But I digress. Willow Glen Worship Center still resides on the outskirts of Pinckneyville, IL and was the hotspot for kids who wanted to see punk shows without their parent's concerns of rampant sex, drugs, and violence. The church had it's own praise band  "Solafide" and would host other hard-rockin', young Christian groups. 

Enter The Chais. Despite their dumb name, these guys were pretty good. Their lead singer wore a Dingees t-shirt and a friend called him out after the show, saying, "The Dingees just get drunk and act stupid, they're not real Christians." I never knew The Dingees were a Christian band . . .

Anyway, here's their EP or demo or home-recordings whathaveyou. I looked in every nook and cranny of the internet and got nuthin' on these guys, so if you have any info, drop me a line. 

Download Difficult to Please

You're Difficult to Please

Vote For Senator Palpatine

 I'm broke. Not ramen noodle broke. Like coin jar broke. I WILL ask someone for gas money broke. Not getting paid until Monday broke. Bought a new computer on a whim broke. I'm gonna get into trouble snacking at work broke.

That's why I started the blog. I'd otherwise be doing something non-productive,  frivolous and fun on my day off. Instead, I came up with this lame idea and somehow prepared about a week's worth of posts in one day.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

I'm not excited for you at all. I'm SO not excited that I'm gonna leave you with THIS piece of garbage.   It's called "Vote for Senator Palpatine" and it's 10 minutes long. After finding this grundy excuse of an audio clip on Sound Core's editing computer I started taking bets that the singer made this up on his walk home from Golden Corral.

He doesn't work there. He just loves Golden Corral and mom's got the keys.

I've listened to all of it. Can you? Huh?  Suffer you slime. I hope you're frickin' happy.



(Oh, and new posts will be every day except today, douche. )





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Don't Vote For Senator Palpatine

Grand Opening & Dungis

WELCOME TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT SANCTUARY!

The purpose of this blog is to archive all of my rare media (most of it locally-produced) so I can throw away a bunch of CDs I never touch. To start us off I'll be sharing a side project I was involved with around 2009.  Although I know this recording isn't that rare, I found no better example of some of the weird stuff that's to come. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Dungis.

Lets imagine if Tom Waits decided to drop acid while recording Rain Dogs.  No wait! Even better! A posthumous Captain Beefhart album! Or we can just stick with our original concept of "let's try to play music with the shittiest instruments."

The only photo of the Rock-Tar

TheRock-Tar had one pickup bolted to the body and two bass strings I could never tune. Tom's drumkit was comprised of two galvanized trash cans and various pots and pans played with two hammers. Nick screamed through a megaphone. David showed up with a tiny Casio that I'm surprised is even audible.

Using a 4-track we captured 48 minutes of cacophony. Thanks to Tom Vasilj for the capture and edit from cassette. These never had song titles so I just described what they sound like for you.




Download Dungis

Eat, Dungis